one line

I have been steee-ressed lately. I don't like it. I'm at my ugly human finest, running on my own (lack-of)gusto and misplaced confidence.

Exhibit A:

Trying to communicate over wall after wall of angry/hurt-woman barriers, and as lovingly as he could, the Hubs told me that my response (to another negative pregnancy test) wasn't peaceful, or restful, or grateful. (It was the "grateful" bit that stung, and definitely NOT what I wanted to hear. So I just sobbed more and got snot all over one corner of the sheets (conveniently, the corner closest to my nose...).) And it's true. It's not. I'm not. I am not peaceful, restful, or grateful.

-----------------------------------

We practiced "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" yesterday morning, and I tried sooo hard to mean it, to believe it true in my life:

     Praise to the Lord, Who o'er all things so wonderfully reigneth
     Shelters thee under His wings -- Yea, so gladly sustaineth
     Hast thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been
     Granted in what He ordaineth?

And... "oh, let all that is in me adore Him." ?! Really? Can't just parts of me adore You? Just parts of me be grateful? Particularly the parts NOT involved in reproduction? This "all of me" bit isn't working out so hot right now.

But I do believe it...that I am sheltered, sustained, LOVED. That He is not cruel or arbitrary, or withholding things willy-nilly. That there's beauty and freedom and redemption in Christ that's infinitely more important than my unoccupied uterus.

Okay then.
...

Grateful it is.

en'bee'ay

Why does Dwyane Wade have a mic pack on? Anyone?

Just so you know, the Miami Heat won Game 1 in the playoff series against the 76ers.

Also, just so you know, the fact that I:
     1) know who the Miami Heat are
     2) can name their starting line-up and
     3) care, is a marked departure from Lisa three years ago.

In some ways, almost two years into marriage, I don't feel any different (other than having to remember I'm in the last half of the alphabet when it comes time to bring a dish to a church potluck*). I look at my husband, and I see how much he's grown - in real, substantial, beautiful (umm, handsome?) ways. And then I look at me, and I see that I like the NBA. ...

I feel closer to real life than I have in a long time. Life outside of myself (and outside of the National Basketball Association...), life bigger, fuller, more vivacious. But there's still so much fear, so much hesitation. Sigh.

Perfect love drives out all fear.



* They call the potlucks "carry-in" dinners. I always hear "carrion" dinner, and frankly, that's gross.

foramen*

"This is the most provacative game of words since the invention of the modern alphabet."
Not as exciting as it sounds, friends.

Faux parenting = over. I'm going through withdrawals. It's strange to not know what the girls are up to (I've got a glimpse into my own mother's patience when I first left for college and she "only" called twice a week and then left really long messages with my roommate because I was never there...)


I miss you, girls! (And I finished the strawberry rhubarb pie you made.)


In other news, I feel like I need to raise up my hand and join the fatigue of blogland. I've been better about "self-care" this past year or so, but lately, I've felt everything accelerating, and I was peering ahead, trying to see the crash-and-burn point. I don't see many flames, so perhaps this isn't it, but I'm so ready to be done, to take a break, to shut down. And that makes me sad. I want vibrancy and abundance and genuineness and reverence (and some simplicity)...but apparently, more of me wants a nap.


Sigh.


(Also, I don't like the phrase "self-care." Another sigh.)


We played the oh-so-exciting game of Probe the other day -- a "daughter's" choice of a random anatomy word* that the rest of us didn't know provoked more than the game did, but oh well. I picked "vivify" for round one, and despite "daughter's" insistence that it isn't a word, it is, dear one...oh, how it is.

vivify

[edit]English

[edit]

Etymology

Latin vivus (alive), through late Latin vivificare and French vivifier

[edit]Verb

vivify (third-person singular simple present vivifies, present participle vivifying, simple past and past participle vivified)

1. To bring to life
2. To impart vitality

I need some vivification, ideally by the one and only Vivifier.

Here's hoping.

(Tomorrow's church service is about the Faithfulness of a Holy God... He will do what He says He will do.)