one line

I have been steee-ressed lately. I don't like it. I'm at my ugly human finest, running on my own (lack-of)gusto and misplaced confidence.

Exhibit A:

Trying to communicate over wall after wall of angry/hurt-woman barriers, and as lovingly as he could, the Hubs told me that my response (to another negative pregnancy test) wasn't peaceful, or restful, or grateful. (It was the "grateful" bit that stung, and definitely NOT what I wanted to hear. So I just sobbed more and got snot all over one corner of the sheets (conveniently, the corner closest to my nose...).) And it's true. It's not. I'm not. I am not peaceful, restful, or grateful.

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We practiced "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" yesterday morning, and I tried sooo hard to mean it, to believe it true in my life:

     Praise to the Lord, Who o'er all things so wonderfully reigneth
     Shelters thee under His wings -- Yea, so gladly sustaineth
     Hast thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been
     Granted in what He ordaineth?

And... "oh, let all that is in me adore Him." ?! Really? Can't just parts of me adore You? Just parts of me be grateful? Particularly the parts NOT involved in reproduction? This "all of me" bit isn't working out so hot right now.

But I do believe it...that I am sheltered, sustained, LOVED. That He is not cruel or arbitrary, or withholding things willy-nilly. That there's beauty and freedom and redemption in Christ that's infinitely more important than my unoccupied uterus.

Okay then.
...

Grateful it is.