shasta *

My home group is my favorite part of church. The willingness to do life together, to share a meal, to watch each other's kids (especially my teenagers...rascals!) (okay...not so much), to wrestle (physically and otherwise) on the living room floor, to ask hard questions and plumb hard answers. My soul soaks it up.

I was sitting on that very living room floor, my back against a leather couch that creaks at every awkward movement, when I found myself both convicted and incredibly encouraged.
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The back story: Over the past few months, I've been party to several conversations (of different levels of intensity) regarding women "in ministry." Every part of experiential, relational Lisa embraces the thought of women teaching, women leading, having both seen and known women in those roles. Intellectual Lisa isn't so sure. I don't know what to do with passages in the Bible that seem to contradict 1) each other 2) my experience. I end up really angsty, sometimes really angry / hurt, or enormously bewildered.
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So last night. We were having a conversation about intimacy with God, and how we get caught up in the legalism of trying to make that work - constructing systems of bible-reading and accountability partners and "quiet time" (which can all be good and beautiful things, and decidedly not legalistic), instead of resting in the grace and sovereignty and mind-blowing Largeness of I Am.

Then the Hubs mentioned something that clicked. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" So often I twist that ... I'm against me, and I perceive God as being against me too, resulting in the angst, the hurt, the bewilderment, in feeling alone and abandoned. But He's not against me. He's the ultimate Teammate. We can be on the same side, striving after the same things (not on my own strength, ability, or righteousness) (thankfully).

My husband and I pursue "Team Peterson," intentionally and foundationally being on the same side (particularly when there's something less-than foundational we disagree on). And I'm in the middle of a hefty disagreement(s) with God. But He's good, and He's for me, and we can be on the same side. If He brings me to conclusions / beliefs that I'm not comfortable with (or affirms conclusions I've already set my heart on), it's for my own good, and for His Glory and His Kingdom. So be it.

That's sort of scary...and sort of thrilling.

I'm so sorry for the ways I limit you. For the small size that I've made you in my life, my heart. For my refusal to see and accept your love for me in this.

*high five*

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* Whenever it was "my" turn to bring post-game snacks, I'd go with my parents to the grocery store and pick out as many cans of strawberry-kiwi shasta as I thought I could reasonably get away with. Delish.